The corporate toilette

I work since forever inside the corporate world. Big companies, big business, lot of people everywhere. Is like we say it Romania (and I will translate this for you 'cause I do not know any equivalent in English): you can not release a fart without anyone else not knowing it. So any move you make, any fart you take, somebody (not the same person each time) will be there watching or hearing you.

THE TOILETTE

Lots of people, means crowded toilets. In the company where I used to work before, 80% of the personel were women. So you can imagine that there was almost not a single chance to go to the toilette and find it empty, you know, just to have the chance to express yourself. No, no, no, no, no. Each time, when life was smilling to you and by pure luck noone was there, somebody had to enter the space bringing the dark cloud inhibitions for you. Shitting mission aborded. I cannot do that with somebody else next to me.

In my opinion the toilette must be your own private world, where you can go and enjoy you time even if it is for 5-10 minutes, listen to some music, staring at your toes, relaxing. The place where the great ideas should come from, the place when even the queen goes by herself.

Have you ever been in the situation when you were in the toilette cubicle and someone next to you is shitting or farting? I am sure you have been there. Remember your reaction? Because I remember mine. The second that the sound is released on the other cubicle and it takes me by surprise I stifle my laughing and instinctively I start staring at the other person's shoes, because, you know, later you will have the chance to go in the office and detect that "bitch" that had the nerve to fart in the toilette.  Childish, I know, but I am sure I am not the only one out there. And the story does not end here. At the same moment I .....hide my legs and wait for the other one to leave. Why? Because I do not want the other person to have any prove of me being there and whitnessing her nature taking it's course. In this situation I am as "mature" as I can be. Next time I should take a selfie to see my face in that moment.

The other extreme solution that I adopt is to "pack by bags" as fast as I can, faster than "purple sound machine" person next to me, of course, so that the sink encounter and the complaisance smile would be avoided. You will NEVER want to make eye contact with one of you delicate office colleagues freshly after she threw up a fart concert next to you.

Remember, you will always have the advantage of your mind photography of her shoes. You will go in the office and you will see those shoes, knowing that you and the person attached to them, had shared a memorable moment.

Hair

Today's story is about something that may be taboo. At least I have the impression to.The only time I tried to talk about it was when a friend of mine shushed me immediately. But I think this is because there were boys present, whom we barely knew, and she didn't want to feel embarrassed.  I don't know exactely.

Hair is an attribute of beauty. Otherwise we would all be bald and happy.  One less problem.


Here we go. I do not like very, very long hair. You know the kind that points to your buttcrack. Because I always have the impression that when you sit on the toilette with that hair loose you're gonna end up use it as a toilette paper. Is inevitable. You sit and the hair goes with you inside the toilette bowl. That's it. Keep the hair to a normal lenght, like half of your back lenght and we're good. Issue solved.


One issue solved another one still pending, at least in my mind. And actually this is the main subject of this article.


Half back lenght hair is still long hair. 


Because you are in the shower now, washing your hair (not from using it as a toilette paper), water falling on your body like a cascade. Sounds good, right? This could be a scene from any movie. Girl in the shower, woman and man in the shower, girls in the shower. I am sure you all imagine a romantic, maybe even a sexy domestic scene. But the problem is that nobody is telling you what happens exactely after you finished washing and rainsing your hair. Well, luckily you have me and we gonna talk about it. :)

You know that is normal to lose hairs on a daily basis. Specilaists say that you lose around 100 hairs per day. When you brush it, during your sleep, during winter, during summer and yes, during you wash it in the shower. Is going down on your shoulders, is going down on your back, in goes lower and lower, some of it goes in the drain and some of it slips, yes, you already know it...slips between your buttcheeks. And it stays there. It does not move. You have to stick your hand and grab it. And sometimes even if you grab it while wet you still gonna find one ramaining in there. Is going to take you by surprise later when is going to itch you. Try to grab it, pull it out from your butt crack and then come back to me and describe the sensation. :)


This is not something they will put in a movie. Can you imagine a scene like this going? A shower footage with her in the end sticking the hand between her buttcheeks and grabbing a ball of hairs that a couple of minutes ago were on her had. EPIC!!!!

Jon Snow, you stink

I am a fan of the Game of Thrones series. The thing is I am not a fan since the beginning. I start watching it when season 2 was over, so by the time season 3 started to get aired I was already up to date. My favorite characters when it comes to men are Khal Drogo (of course), Rob Stark and another of course, Jon Snow. Amazing men, good looking men,

Well, as you know, besides the story, violence, murder, plot, blood and guts all over the place, the series are famous also for the explicit pussys, dongs and sex scenes. Good. Perfect. No problem for me. I've seen porn. It lowered the standards for me.
And you see all these gorgeous men marching for days, weeks, fighting in battles in an era when showers and soap were not nvented and when people were not so water friendly. They come back to their women and they engage in fucking and all of a sudden your face turns like into an after tequila shot face when you realize that those people must smell very, very bad. The kind of smell that produces an automathic gagging reflex. I am not talking only about men here. Women also are to be blamed. The thing that comes into my mind is the smell that the watermelon leaves when left one week in the heat. Horrible!!!!!

I am very sensitive with any kind of smells, not to say the bad ones. Especially when it comes to sex and all the organs involved. I was very close once to a, let's say, not freshen up male reproductive organ. At that point I decided that that thing will not penetrate any of my female sanctuary holes. And it didn't. Yessss, I had the tequila after shot face. And what is worse, the smell stucked into my olfactive memory. So now, each time I am in a similar situation I have to carefully check it. You know, get closer a little bit, take a sniff, retrieve, then again even closer, take a sniff, retrieve again, and again even closer, until you hear him asking: "Are you going to blow me or you are preparing yourself for a high jump?" Relax dude, I am traumatized. :)

Do you remember that scene when Jon Snow loses his virginity with Yngritte? I think that's the definition of when somebody asks you to be dirty and filthy in bed.

The Saussage Theory

For this first story I choose my original stupid theory that I have for years and I always share it to my friends each time I cease the opportunity.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your body does not respond to your needs? Like when you are…let’s say…constipated.

Yessssss.  When you rrrrreally want to go and have a decent poop, but your body just puts you on stand-by. And you don’t know what to do anymore, and you are sweating, and you cannot maintain a proper conversation with anybody because your mind is constantly on your bloaded intestines. And you start getting desperate. And you already are thinking on what pills or laxatives to take.

Well, here I come as the Bowel Hero rescuer and this is my Saussage Theory:

If you find yourself constipated, ...just eat more. You would dare to ask me WHY. Because if you eat, the food is going into your stomach and from your stomach into your already fool of shit intestines and therefore is going to push everything out eventually. The process is exactelly like the saussage meat filling in the pork/lamb intestines. You put the intestine on the machine, the meet comes out from the machine, pushes the content, anf if you insist you will finally get it full. Make a knot and nothing will come out.

Luckily we have a hole and no knot on the other side of the intestin, which will help us a lot in this process. So keep eating until you get everything pushed out. And everything will come out...believe me. :)

Thank you for your time. This is my Saussage Theory and I chose to share it with you.

You are welcome. 

Hello, Aloha, Hola, Ceao, Salut...

Hello,

I am here to introduce myself with this 1st post ever. My name is Narcisa. I am Romanian, living in Spain, working in Gibraltar. So, as you can see, from the start I already confused you. Do not worry! I am more confused than you. I speak Romanian inside the house, Spanish on the street and English at work. Believe me is not easy to find yourself so international all of a sudden. :) My intention is to write most of the posts in English, but other languages are not excluded, depending on the subject.
I am a dog lover, bike enthusiastic, photography  aficionado, comedy and humour fan, among other things.
I created this blog to expose my ideas and express myself about whatever comes into my mind, but in a funny way. Let see how it goes. :) Welcome to Stand-Down Comedy.